The Courage to Be a Loving Parent
Most of us really don't like it when someone is angry at us. We don't like it when people go into resistance to helping us when we need help, instead of caring about us. We don't like it when people withdraw from us, disconnecting from us and shutting us out. We don't like it when people make demands on us and do not respect our right or need to say no. Many of us will do almost anything to avoid the soul loneliness and pain we feel when people treat us in angry, resistant, demanding and uncaring ways. It takes great courage to stay loving to ourselves and others when faced with others' angry and closed behavior. It especially take courage when the people we are dealing with are our own children. Yet unless we have the courage to come up against our children's anger, resistance, and withdrawal, we will give ourselves up and not take care of ourselves to avoid their uncaring reactions. The more we deny our own truth and our own needs and feelings, the more our children will disrespect and discount us. Our children become a mirror of our own behavior, discounting us when we discount ourselves, disrespecting us when we disrespect ourselves. The more we give ourselves up to avoid our children's unloving behavior toward us, the more we become objectified as the all-giving and loving parent who doesn't need anything for ourselves. When we do this, we are role-modeling being a caretaker. On the other hand, it is unloving to ourselves and our children to expect our children to take responsibility for our well-being. It is unloving to demand that our children give themselves up to prove their love for us and to pacify our fears. It is unloving to demand that they be the way we want them to be rather than who they are. It is unloving to set limits just to make us feel safe, rather than limits that support their health and safety. When we behave in this way, we are role-modeling being a taker. The challenge of good parenting is to find the balanced between being there for our children and being there for ourselves, as well as the balance between freedom and responsibility - to be personally responsible to ourselves rather than be a taker or a caretaker. Our decisions need to be based on what is in the highest good of our children as well as ourselves. If a child wants something that is not in our highest good to give, then it is not loving to give it. If we want something that is not in the highest good of our children, then it is not loving for us to expect it. It is loving to support our children's freedom to choose what they want and to be themselves, as long as it doesn't mean giving ourselves up. Children do not learn responsible behavior toward others when their parents discount their own needs and feelings to support what their children want. Our own freedom to choose what we want and to be ourselves needs to be just as important to us as our children's freedom and desires. On the other hand, if we always put our needs before our children's, we are behaving in a self-centered, narcissistic way that limits our children's freedom. We are training our children to be caretakers, to give themselves up for other's needs and not consider their own. The challenge of loving parenting is to role-model behavior that is personally responsible, rather than being a taker or caretaker. This is our best chance for bringing up personally responsible children. However, we need to remember that we can do everything "right" as a parent, but our children are on their own path, their own soul's journey. They will make their own choices to be loving or unloving, responsible or irresponsible. We can influence their choices, but we can't control them. They have free will, just as we do, to choose who they want to be each moment of their lives. All we can do is the very best we can to role-model loving, personally responsible behavior - behavior that supports our own and our children's highest good. About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
Related News
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Defrazzle with a Hearty Guffaw
"The best blush to use is laughter: It put roses in your cheeks and in your soul."
A Dads Thoughts On Dads day
21 Reasons I Love Being A Dad
Inattentive ADHD: Just Like Winnie the Pooh
Winnie the Pooh is the classic picture of Inattentive ADHD. In other works we have called this "Space Cadet" style ADHD. These are people that suffer from "brain fog" as they go through their day. Although Pooh is very lovable and kind, he is also inattentive, sluggish, slow-moving, unmotivated. He is a classic daydreamer.
How to Help Your Child be Successful in Kindergarten
Your child's first year of school should be a fun and exciting
time. Children who are comfortable with and prepared for this
first school experience are more likely to have rewarding and
productive years, and therefore associate positive feelings with
education. Since parents are children's first and most
important teachers, you can play a key role in preparing your
children for a successful school experience by pre-exposing them
to key concepts they will experience in school. This can be
done in a fun, enjoyable manner by making everyday play
experiences learning experiences as well.
Diagnosing ADHD in Children, an Introduction
Everyone in a private practice setting who works with children or adults is going to have their own opinion on how Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - ADD or ADHD - should be diagnosed. Some clinics take the perspective that "more is good," and will recommend a large battery of tests, often costing many thousands of dollars. Other clinics, typically with hurried physicians, will simply give a brief rating scales to the parents and then make a quick diagnosis and prescribe treatment, usually a medication.
5 Great Tips For Choosing Safe Toys For Your Children
Every children in the world whishes to have toys and every parent trys to give them what they want. So until they grow-up children spend most of their time playing with different toys. If you are careful when you choose toys for your kids you can even consider that you are making an investment. But you have to know if you are making a good investment or not. There are many educative and safe toys. but you can also find many dangerous toys on the market this days. In this article you will find five tips for choosing safe toys for your children. After all every parent is concerned about their children safety.
What To Do When You Think Your Child Might Have AD/HD
AD/HD (attention deficit disorder) is one of the most common mental health disorders seen in childhood. Studies estimate that between 3-7% of all children have AD/HD: approximately 2 million children in the USA alone, or one child in every classroom.
Lets Read! The Benefits of Reading to Your Children
Parents, when you help your children learn to read, you help them open the door to a big, exciting world. As a parent, you can begin an endless learning chain like this: You read to your children, they develop a love of stories and poems, they want to read on their own, they practice reading, and finally, they read for their own information or pleasure. When children become readers, their world is forever wider and richer.
The Laid Back Parents Guide to Teaching Your Child to Read
At first I thought of titling this article "The Lazy Parent's Guide" but
then I realized that most parents aren't lazy, but they may have a
slightly different philosophy about children and learning.
ADHD: Some Survival Strategies for Parents
In our last issue we posted some of our suggested Survival Strategies for parents, and then asked readers to contribute some of their thoughts or tips. Since this newsletter is already running pretty long, I'll only list a few of them below. Thank you to all of you who contributed!
Promoting Your Childs Heart Health
Cardiovascular endurance is one of the five health-related components of physical fitness. It refers to the ability of the heart and lungs to supply oxygen and nutrients to the muscles. In simple terms, someone with great cardiovascular endurance has a strong heart ? one that actually grows in size and pumps more blood with every beat, resulting in a lower heart rate.
Understanding Why Your Child Has Been Recommended for Testing
You have just received a call from your child's teacher explaining that she has noticed your child having difficulty in school. Your child is not understanding math or reading the way the other children do. So she would like your permission to proceed with testing to find out if he has a learning disability. When this happens, it is always a good idea to meet with the teacher in person. Being proactive is extremely important to your child's educational future. Arrange to sit down and talk with the teacher to discover specifically why she has recommended this. You may want to include the special education teacher as well, as she may be able to further clarify just what they are seeing that is causing them to question your child's abilities. One thing you have to understand is that just because a learning disability is questioned, that does not mean that your child isn't smart. It just means that, for some reason, he's either not able to access those smarts and is not "getting" what is being taught. Or, he may be having difficulty expressing what he has actually learned. One indication that there is a problem might be that the child gets very good grades in math, but his reading is below average. He is not reading at the same level that most of the other students of his age are reading at. There is a big difference between his learning in math and his learning in reading. If he is old enough, there may be standardized test scores that also show that huge difference, and the teacher should be able to show you that information. You may have noticed other indications at home but thought they were just "kid things". If you ask your child to do 2 or 3 things in a row, does he forget most of them? When you ask him a question, does he have difficulty expressing the answer? Is his room always disorganized? Does he have trouble socially? These are some of the questions you might want to think about as you talk with the teacher and ask if she notices them in the classroom. It is important you realize that by doing this, you are not putting your child down or complaining about him or labeling him as a "bad kid". You are discussing the facts of what is actually going on, or not going on, with his learning. You are acting in his best interest. Do not hesitate to ask questions about anything you don't understand. The teachers will not think that you are stupid or inadequate The area of Learning Disabilities can be very confusing and overwhelming to anyone. It is best that you understand what is going on right from the beginning. When the teachers have explained the symptoms to your satisfaction, then it is time to find out what will happen from here. Ask specific questions about the testing, how best to address your child's concerns and how to minimize any "stigma" your child might experience as a result of being tested.
?I?M OVERWHELMED? -- 5 Tips On How Parents Can Take Control Of Their Lives
Are you feeling overwhelmed being a parent? Do you want to feel more relaxed and empowered raising your child? Working parents, stay-at-home parents, visiting parents ? it doesn't matter which one you are because these days almost every parent feels overwhelmed by their daily day. Parents every day experience anxiety, stress and despondency because they feel as if they are losing control of their natural balance. The natural balance that once allowed them to walk, talk and chew gum slowly - all at one time! Now you are running to work, picking up children, grocery shopping, doing laundry, paying bills, taking your child to some lesson, etc. Those days when you had control over your life, can be re-lived again by knowing how to create a structured life that incorporates extra time, a swing to your step and the ability to believe that you can accomplish what needs to be done, in addition to being a fun and caring parent. Below are five tips that can start you on the path of feeling a positive glow about yourself.
Why Wont My Teens Clean Their Room?
Have you ever had this struggle with your teens? Did you get to the results that you were looking for? Did moving toward those results create an unexpected rift between you and your teen? Parents complain to me that when their teens won't do their chores and, as a result, they punish their teens, there is conflict and a damaged relationship. Parents say that they don't want their relationship with their teens to suffer. They say that they understand that discipline and order is needed in their teens' lives, but are at a loss at how to encourage it in a way that allows their relationship with their teens to keep thriving. So what is there to do?
A Night Out For Mom & Dad
Is your babysitter watching the kids and your k9 family member?
Twins - Double The Trouble Or Double The Pleasure? Both!
If You're Having Twins..is it double the headache, or double the joy? Probably both!
The Best Gifts Ever: Life Experiences Every Child Should Have
This past holiday season Canadians spent over $45 billion-with parents paying out almost $1.8 billion of that on their children's presents alone. However, the best gifts we can give our children can not be purchased in a store. And while they are within the grasp of all parents to give, not all children receive them.
Being A Mum - It?s About Them And Not About You!
So you want to be a mum? Every time you see a little baby in a mother's arms you
desire it even more. I am going to ask some hard questions here for those who want
to be mums: Why do you want to be a mum? Is it because it will be fun? Is it because
you can show your motherhood to others? Is it because you want to keep your
partner?
Defrazzle with Hug Therapy
"Hugging is healthy: it helps the body's immunity system, it keeps you healthier, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it's invigorating, it's rejuvenating, it has no unpleasant side effects, and hugging is nothing less than a miracle drug"
Parenting in the Kitchen ? Lessons in Cooking, Socializing, and Bonding
Kitchens are where everything happens. It's not just where meals are prepared ? it's usually the hub of the home, where family and friends get together to spend time. Cooking and eating together is about more than nutrition for the body. It's also the experience of connecting and interacting with family members, to feed relationships. Try to choose one meal that everyone comes to the table. It doesn't have to be dinner. This is a challenge as everyone has their own activities (especially as children grow), but starting early promotes the importance of family time together, and also demonstrates a healthy attitude towards food and eating.
|
