Responding to Criticism Without Being Defensive
In an actual war, to be attacked means to have our survival threatened. Thus, we might chose between surrender, withdrawal, or counterattack. When we feel attacked (criticized or judged) by others in conversation, we often move into that same kind of survival mentality and automatically defend ourselves. But conversation is different than war. When we defend against criticism, we give more power to the criticism and the person dishing it out than is warranted. While we might need to set some limits if someone is verbally abusive, I think we often ward off criticism far too soon, discarding anything that is valid, as well as what is invalid. The person's words may hurt, but they will hurt less, I think, if we ask questions, decide which pieces we agree with (if any) and which ones we don't agree with. We can just think about it, we don't have to fight it as if we were being attacked with a lethal weapon. I watch people's self-esteem increase simply from becoming less defensive in the face of criticism and judgement. Besides, we may find a priceless gem in with some junk. The War Model: When someone attacks, you surrender, withdraw, or counterattack The Non-Defensive Model: Ask questions, decide what you think, and then respond! The remainder of this article will demonstrate how to respond non-defensively to criticism by giving examples for parents, couples, and professionals. While the examples are specific to a certain type of relationship, the information is valuable in any relationship. For example, dealing with harsh tones or "pay-backs" can happen with children or adults, at home or at work. Parents: Are You Letting Your Child Speak Harshly to You? Or Putting Up With Criticism Because of Guilt? As parents, we often love our children so much and simultaneously feel inadequate to meet all their needs. They sense this and can learn early how to make us feel guilty as a way to get what they want. I hear so many children, starting at a young age, speaking in harsh critical tones to their parents. Ginny may simply say "You know I hate peas!" Sam might shout "You never want to let me do anything with my friends!" The judgment might be more deeply critical of your choices, such as, "You made dad leave! You should tell him you're sorry so he'll come back." When we respond to our child or teen or even our adult child's criticism, if guilt has a hold on us, we may "take it," and even apologize, or try to explain ourselves so he or she understands why we behaved in a certain way. If we are over our own edges, we may lash back. What I think we can do instead is to separate the tone of the judgment from the content of what is being said. We can say to Ginny, "If you don't want peas, I still want you to tell me gently." Or, "If you speak to me harshly, then I'm not going to answer. If you speak respectfully, I'll talk to you about this." Then, if that child, teen or adult offspring does talk without harsh judgment, we can, if it is appropriate, offer to discuss the situation. In this way, we can not only refuse to cave in to undue criticism, we can model for our children how to (a) talk about what they need and feel without being judgemental, and (b) respond with a blend of firmness and openness even when someone speaks harshly to us or them. Couples: Avoid the "Pay-Back" When One of You "Gets Critical" When we are in intimate relationships, we often have a "ledger of offenses" that we have accumulated with each other. And what I do that offends you often prompts the reaction in you that offends me. So when you criticize me, your partner, it reminds me of what you do that "makes" me react that way. And so the counterattack game begins. "Well, I wouldn't have to react this way if you didn't always . . ." Or, "Look at you criticizing me for having a double standard. Haven't you ever looked in a mirror?!" Instead, if we listen to the feedback, however judgmental it sounds, and figure out whether we think it applies to us or not, then we don't have to retaliate immediately and intensify the conflict. Later, during the same conversation, or perhaps even at another time, we can ask the other person (if we are sincerely curious and not point-proving) "Do you think your sarcasm (for example) contributed in any way to how I reacted?" Or, "Do you think you ever (for example) have double standards-or do you think you don't?" We can bring up related issues, if we create a transition period and deal first with the one our partner brought up. To remain non-defensive, we must separate how we take accountability ourselves from whether or not the other person chooses to do so at any given moment. When we need to prove our partner is as "bad as we are" or worse, we are neck-deep in the muck of power struggle. In non-defensive communication, we address the issue the other person has brought up trusting that we can bring up our own issue later. Doing so can give both partners a "hearing aid." Professionals: Drop The Game of Passing the Blame and Enhance Others' Respect In professional relationships how we get our own work done is often dependent on how well other people do their jobs. So, frequently, when we receive criticism it is easy to "pass the buck" and justify why we had difficulty with our part based on how others contributed to that difficulty. Instead of starting out by shifting blame or making excuses, even if we think the problem was caused by a co-worker, we can ask questions, such as, "What would you suggest I do differently next time?" or, "Were you aware that I had to get the materials from Jane before I could finish the project?" Or, "If she doesn't have her part of the project to me on time, how would you suggest I deal with it?" If the feedback is about your own performance and not related to what anyone else has or hasn't done, you can just start by asking for more information. You can ask for additional details about how the supervisor or co-worker sees your attitude and behavior. Then, if there are points where you disagree, you can still use questions, such as, "If you think I shouldn't have criticized the quality of George's work on the project, are you saying I should just accept however he does it?" Or, "Are you saying I should just accept how he did it, or do you think it was how I said it?" Or, "Do you think there is any way I can let him know when I think the quality needs improvement?" At some point you may wish to disagree with part or all of what the person is saying. However, if your initial response to criticism is to gather more information, I think you will gain professional respect. Also, if the other person is off-base, your questions may prompt her or him to re-think the criticism.! Building Wisdom and Gaining Respect For most of us, responding to criticism without defending our selves has meant being "defenseless," caving in, losing face, feeling bad about ourselves. On the other hand, responding defensively has meant being harsh, closed, shutting others out. This is a no-win choice. We look bad and undermine our own self esteem either way. If we can learn to respond to criticism with true non-defensive openness and clarity, asking questions, stating our position, and setting limits when needed, we can build our own wisdom and garner the respect of both the children and adults in our lives. About The Author This article is based on the book Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant. DCOLE@GEMINICOLE.COM
Related News
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
How To Develop Your Babys Brain
Have you ever wondered why toys for babies tend to have so many bells, whistles and lights? Or why they have so many different textures, and materials and colors?
It's almost as if we want to provide young babies with a whole world of stimulation and we can't quite get it to them fast enough.
Because Every Child Is A Born Genuis
Graphology for Child development.:- Graphology is the science of understanding the human mind through person's handwriting. When a person writes, the signal in the form of letters get decoded / printed on the paper by the fingers. Graphology aims at understanding & interpreting these signals through the writing. Using this we can know a persons mind so the thoughts, character and behavior.
Play the Ball, Not the Man!
As parents and teachers, sometimes we want to praise, at other times we need to rebuke. Either way, how do we put our point across with maximum effectiveness?
Send Your Child to College FREE!
College is one of the largest expenses through the course of your childâ??s life. It is also one of the main causes of debt in America. With today's rates of inflation, it is very hard to save for an event that will occur eighteen years down the road. However, capitalistic America has provided many ways to send your child to college without paying a single red cent. Below you will discover just how easy it is to reach financial freedom.
Nothing Like a Mothers Love
Travel is a common theme in my life -- probably started with the family vacation we took every year when I was young. But in all my travels, I have seen another universal theme, a common symbol of unity, love and Peace.
Thriving As A Family When You Live In The Fast lane
It is extraordinary times that we find ourselves in. Change is now an entrenched way of life. Most of us don't blink when new piece of technology comes out. Just the other day I read about the death of the desktop computer. The big lump of plastic and glass that used to sit on my desk has been replaced by a laptop. Email is quickly making those twentieth communication icons, the telephone and the fax, redundant. The way we live, do business, even shop is undergoing rapid change.
Should Your Child Watch TV News? Surprising Opinions of Top Anchors
KIDS AND THE NEWS
Getting through the School Daze
It's back to school time again. Does the thought of having to get everyone organized and out the door make you want to send for boarding school brochures? Here are a few tips to help get through that back to school daze.
5 Solid Reasons: Why Your Child Can Be An Achiever
All of us, including your child, entered this world equipped with a super-computer that can be programmed to achieve almost anything.
Parenting Your Teenager: 6 Tips for Dealing with Bad Report Cards
One of the basic issues we need to understand is that parents and teens view school very differently. This is important because often we believe that our kids look at school the same way we do.
ADD / ADHD Children : Being Your Childs Best Friend
Do you live with an ADD / ADHD child? If so-- my hat is off to you! ADD / ADHD children are brilliant, full of energy, smart as a whip (as grandma says), and tons of work. They are also the rising sun and the setting star: meaning much of life revolves around them in one way or another. One tactic you might employ is to: be your child's best friend.
Boundaries - Why Theyre Needed
Imagine a child who lacks ownership of his own life, has noself-control, and lacks respect for others. If these were the qualities ofyour son, how would you feel for his future wives? Yes, wives is plural, this is one major reason we need to set boundariesfor our children their future. One study showed that children bornrecently on average will have more spouses than kids. Here are a fewexamples of children who lack boundaries: 1. Little Johnny walks right into his parent's bedroom whenever he wants.It does not matter if the door was open or closed.2. Twelve year-old Steve frequently changes the channel on the television.It does not matter if anyone was watching a show or not.3. Susie blames others for her mistakes. It always seems to be herteacher's fault, brother's fault, or a friend's fault when something doesnot go right.4. Marie is uncomfortable with how her boyfriend treats her and pressuresher for sex. She keeps dating him because she questions who else would wantto date her.Without boundaries children will have problems in relationships, school, andlife. Many times addictive behavior can be traced to lack of boundaries.Here are a few results that can occur:1. Children can have controlling behavior2. Children can be motivated by guilt or anger.3. Without firm boundaries children are more likely to follow their peergroup. For example, making unwise choices on sex, drinking, or driving.4. Children do not own their own behavior or consequences, which can lead toa life of turmoil.5. Children may allow others to think for them.6. They may allow someone else to define what his or her abilities will be.This denies their maximum potential.7. When someone has weak boundaries they pick up other's feelings.8. Weak boundaries may make it hard to tell where we end and another personbegins. What is a parent to do? Many times we hinder our children from developingboundaries. Realize we must teach our children boundaries; they are notborn with them. Here are a few suggestions to help develop boundaries.1. Recognize and respect the child's boundaries. For example, knock ontheir closed bedroom door instead of just walking in.2. Set our own boundaries and have consequences for crossing them.3. Avoid controlling the child.4. Give two choices; this helps our children learn decision-making skills.5. When you recognize that boundaries need to be set. Do it clearly, do itwithout anger, and use as few words as possible.6. We need to say what hurts us and what feels good.7. It may be difficult to set a boundary. You may feel afraid, ashamed, ornervous, that's okay, do it any ways.Another way to work with boundaries and children is to model these for ourchildren.1. Recognize your physical boundaries.2. You have the right to request proper treatment, for example, poorlyprepared meals in a restaurant should be sent back, ask others to smoke awayfrom your space, and ask that loud music be turned down.3. Share your opinions with your children. Allow your children theiropinions. Opinions are not right or wrong. This will help them think forthemselves. 4. Teach them how you decide on the choices you make.5. Lets own what we do and what we don't do. Take responsibility for whenthings go wrong.6. Accept your thoughts, it is who you are.7. Discover what your limits are, emotional and physical.Setting boundaries is all about taking care of ourselves. This is the firstguideline we teach in our workshops. Other benefits include:1. We will learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves.2. Boundaries are also the key to having a loving relationship.3. Boundaries will help us with our personal growth.4. We will learn to listen to ourselves (trusting our intuition). We also will learn to respect and care for others and ourselves.5. Boundaries will aid us in the workplace.Boundaries are all about freedom and recognizing when these freedoms have been crossed. Boundaries give us a framework in which to negotiate life events. Recognizing and acting when our boundaries have been crossed will protect our freedom. Boundaries lead to winning relationships for bothparties. By building foundations based on mutual trust, love, and respect we can expect our children to grow up more tolerant and with a mature character. Simply put, boundaries simplify life.
New Mom...New Baby...New Debt?
Ah, there is nothing like being an expectant mom. Along with your expanding waistline comes the ever growing list of products for you and your new bundle of joy. Preparing for a new baby can be a costly experience, especially in the areas of clothing and nursery furniture. The good news is that it does not have to be!
Inattentive ADHD: Just Like Winnie the Pooh
Winnie the Pooh is the classic picture of Inattentive ADHD. In other works we have called this "Space Cadet" style ADHD. These are people that suffer from "brain fog" as they go through their day. Although Pooh is very lovable and kind, he is also inattentive, sluggish, slow-moving, unmotivated. He is a classic daydreamer.
Parenting Your Teenager: 8 Things You Need to Be Doing
Get into their world. The world that teens are growing up in is not the world in which we grew up. In case you ever doubt that, here is what author and speaker Josh McDowell has said on the subject: "The average teenage boy is exposed to more sexual stimulation on the way to school than his grandfather was on Saturday night when he was looking for it." The next four suggestions are more specific ways to get into their world:
Home For The Holidays: Avoid Aging Parents Becoming A Burden
By not planning for the future we guarantee that we will leave our children with a tremendous burden. Just about the time they are preparing for their own retirement and their children's college education, adult children often are overwhelmed with decision-making for their aging parents.
The Financially Intelligent Parent: 8 Steps to Raising Successful, Generous, Responsible Children
What you say and do about money has a profound influence on your child. There are money moments every day that you can use to teach your children important skills and lessons about life. But what to say or do isn't always obvious. Is it a good idea to pay for chores or grades? How do you help your child develop a work ethic? How do you structure an allowance to help your child learn to make choices? Why is involving your children in charity so important? Eileen and Jon Gallo, experts in the fields of children, psychology and money, provide parents with eight key behaviors that will help them raise financially responsible children:
How To Homeschool Without Making Your Child An Outcast
If you are currently homeschooling or considering homeschooling your child, you probably know all the benefits homeschooling can provide. You'll have more control over the curriculum, be able to customize teaching to your child's personal learning style, and avoid the pressures and dangers of public schools. However, are you aware of the major mental and social damage you can cause if you don't make the right choices?
Personal Responsibility: What It Means and Whose Job is It?
"How many times do I have to tell you to clean your room?"
Why should a child keep his room neat? Many children say they don't care whether it is neat or dirty, so why should it matter to anyone else? Unless it is a health or safety hazard, or things are getting lost and broken? Then comes the age old question, "What is neat?" The answer certainly differs with a ten year old child and a thirty five year old Mom. Who is setting the standard of how clean a room must be to be acceptable.
10 Steps to School Year Success
|
