Sibling Fighting - Reduce Sibling Rivalry by NOT Keeping Score
Recently, a much-anticipated game of mini-golf with my children soon turned into a disaster. There were smiles all round as we hit off from the first tee but the enjoyment factor was reduced to zero as my children's smiles were replaced by tears, put downs and whining. The source of all this angst was the scorecard. Or to be more precise competitiveness over the scores. The pressure was on my eldest to make sure that his younger siblings did not turn in a better score than he did. The game was going disastrously for him and it appeared that a thrashing from a younger sister was imminent. And the youngest was reduced to tears as her score didn't quite match her expectations. I felt my blood begin to boil as the family activity disintegrated amongst the tears of a poorly-performing daughter, the put downs from the eldest and the whining recriminations of the middle child who was the butt of the put downs from the disgruntled eldest. At the half-way point I had a rare a brain-wave. Rather than add my bit to this picture of disharmony by delivering a mini-lecture I decided to remove the source of the anxiety - the score card. "What do you say that we don't score any more?" I announced. "Good idea," they chorused. The relief was evident immediately. With the element of competition removed everyone was able to enjoy the game. Smiles replaced scowls and I swear I even heard them laughing. While competition maybe good for business and promote better performance in sport it does little to promote harmony in a family. It is okay if there is a level playing field and everyone has a chance of succeeding. Or if it is contained to the sports field and the playground. But when it spills over into other areas of family life it can lead to arguments, lack of cooperation and other uncivil behaviour. Rivalry is difficult to keep out of families as kids constantly compare themselves to each other even when there is no score to keep. However sometimes parents unwittingly promote competition, particularly when they praise children for their performance rather than their efforts. When children see that results are important to parents in any area they will often give up if they can't perform as well as a sibling and look for another field where they can gain parental approval. The number of eldest and second-born children in families who excel in different fields is testament to the rivalry that so often takes place between kids. While most parents will claim that their approval of kids is not subject to performance in sport, schoolwork or any other area it is how kids perceive the situation that is most relevant. And kids constantly keep score and know where they rank compared to each other. The use of sibling comparison is also very divisive. Comments from parents such as "Why don't you keep your bedroom clean like your sister?" or "Your brother does his homework every night. Why can't you?" maybe well-meaning but offering up the standards of one for another to aspire to just drives a wedge between siblings. As my family game of mini golf showed it is hard to get away from competition. As soon as scores are involved invariably there will be comparisons. While kids must learn that they should be good losers and even better winners they also need to understand that parental approval does not depend on their performance. It is also important to reinforce to kids that as human beings we all have our special areas of expertise. This point is easier to get across if a child has an obvious area of strength and can become a sore point until a child discovers where his or her talents lie. Back to the family game of mini-golf. Shouldn't the kids be able to play against each other and cope with winning and losing, some performing better than others? Ideally yes, but it can be a great deal less stressful for everyone to remove the concept of competing and just have a bit of fun. There are plenty of opportunities for kids to see how they measure up - they do it every time they bring home a school report card - without adding another one. In future I think I'll stick to something safe like beach cricket. Then again they keep scores in that, don't they? Michael Grose is The Parent Coach. For seventeen years he has been helping parents deal with the rigours of raising kids and survive!! For information about Michael's Parent Coaching programs or just some fine advice and ideas to help you raise confident kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au
Related News
Parenting imperfect: Sad moments help us appreciate joys - Oneonta Daily Star
Who claims the family policy agenda? - San Francisco Chronicle
Who claims the family policy agenda?San Francisco Chronicle, USA -Oct 9, 2008High rates of poverty, divorce, single parenthood and social isolation exaggerate the typical strains of parenting. As a result, the United States has one ... |
Give mom some parenting books - BlueRidgeNow.com
Your parenting happy place - San Francisco Chronicle
San Francisco Chronicle |
Your parenting happy placeSan Francisco Chronicle, USA -Oct 9, 2008When the bad times come, one thing I do to keep from getting out-of-control upset is remember one of my parenting happy places. I have maybe five or six of ... |
DHS to drop ban on foster parenting by unwed couples - Arkansas News
The Parenting Vote - New York Times
New York Times |
The Parenting VoteNew York Times, United States -18 hours agoBy Lisa Belkin Ask people with children what most shapes their worldview, and being a parent would likely be high on the list. ... |
New car technology to aid parenting skills - Great Dad
Toy Tips and Parenting Hints Magazine and Saige Nicole’s Baby Boutique - PRarticle.com (press release)
Parenting video series begins this Sunday - Charles City Press
Parenting video series begins this SundayCharles City Press, United States -20 hours agoA great parenting resource is being offered to interested families in Charles City. The first five segments of the video series, “Shepherding a Child’s ... |
Listen to your teens - Edmonton Sun
Listen to your teensEdmonton Sun, Canada -4 hours agoAs teens struggle to separate, parents need to adjust and fine-tune parenting style and attitudes to meet their teens' changing needs. ... |
|
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: What is Impulsivity?
Impulsivity is one of the hallmarks of people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. This impulsivity is the result of the brain's decreased ability to inhibit. There is a lack of self-control even at the neurological level. Impulsivity is found in two areas. There is behavioral impulsivity, and there is cognitive impulsivity.
Parenting Univeristy: Potty Training 101
When your child shows signs of potty training readiness, it's time to purchase some essential potty training items. There are many new products which can help to make potty training quick and easy for both you and your child. We have researched all of the latest and most effective potty training products.
How to Raise Creative Kids
"Where did he come up with that?" Kids often amaze us with their imaginative ideas, and we should give ourselves a pat on the back for playing a role in this development. Innovative thinking is essential for success in school and in life, and it's our job as parents to nurture our kids' innate desire to be creative. Inventive play fosters original thinking, an asset when children are confronted with new situations. By providing activities that use their creativity and imaginations, we are giving our children an important tool to deal with life down the road.
5 Great Tips For Choosing Safe Toys For Your Children
Every children in the world whishes to have toys and every parent trys to give them what they want. So until they grow-up children spend most of their time playing with different toys. If you are careful when you choose toys for your kids you can even consider that you are making an investment. But you have to know if you are making a good investment or not. There are many educative and safe toys. but you can also find many dangerous toys on the market this days. In this article you will find five tips for choosing safe toys for your children. After all every parent is concerned about their children safety.
Building Teen Character: Part-Time Employment
The teenage years are a crucial time in a child's life. They are
not children anymore, but they are also not adults. During this
time the choices they make may have an effect on them for the
rest of their lives. It is the parents' responsibility to guide
their teenagers in the right direction by helping them make
responsible choices and building their character to the point
that when their teenagers move out of the house they are on the
road to being responsible adults and have the tools they need to
succeed in life.
Baptisms And Alternative Ways To Hold A Naming Ceremony
There are three types of service available at a Church.
The traditional Infant Baptism (which most people call a 'christening'), here the parents declare the child to be a follower of Jesus Christ;
A service of Dedication, when the parents make promises about the upbringing of their child - these services are common in Baptist churches; andA Thanksgiving for the Gift of a Child, a service of Blessing which is based on what Jesus did when children were brought to Him. This service is increasingly popular in the Church of England as parents are less inclined to make promises on the child's behalf that he or she may not wish to keep later in life.
Many parents don't go to church themselves and don't want to have their child named in a church service. There are alternatives.You can hold a family gathering at your own home or a hired venue near home at which the baby is named. You can do this yourself, have a senior member of the family perform the naming, or bring someone in to hold a formal ceremony.The Baby Naming Society will help you to put on a religious or non-religious ceremony. For less than 30, they will provide:
A personalised script from a choice of ceremonies;
A short programme which can be copied for your guests;
A certificate for you to keep as a memento of the service;Copies of readings chosen from the Society's selection.
The Secret, Unconscious Game Children and Parents Play Where No One Wins!
Did you know there's a game children and parents play all the time and yet, neither of them knows about it? This article discusses this unconscious, no-win game children play with their unknowing parents; how points get scored; why the game isn't a good thing to play, and how parents can stop the game.
A Minute Can Turn into Hours for the Child of a Work-at-Home Mom
In theory, working at home is an ideal situation. But in reality, it's difficult to balance the needs of your family with the needs of your clients.
Are You Addicted to Your Children?
Is it possible to be using our children addictively?
Simple Indulgences for September
As the kids go back to school, you can go back to *you*...your schedule, your friends,
your goals. Here are ten simple indulgences to celebrate this season.
Personal Responsibility: What It Means and Whose Job is It?
"How many times do I have to tell you to clean your room?"
Why should a child keep his room neat? Many children say they don't care whether it is neat or dirty, so why should it matter to anyone else? Unless it is a health or safety hazard, or things are getting lost and broken? Then comes the age old question, "What is neat?" The answer certainly differs with a ten year old child and a thirty five year old Mom. Who is setting the standard of how clean a room must be to be acceptable.
Parenting Your Teenager: How to End the Curfew Battle
Q. Things have been relatively calm and OK with our 16-year-old son so far. Now all of a sudden, there is a huge battle about curfew. He wants to stay out later and later, and we don't think he is ready. How do we set appropriate curfew in our house?
I Cant Sleep Without You
When my firstborn arrived into this serene and peaceful household, my entire world was transformed into a warzone and funfare at the same time. He became the focus of my attention throughout the entire day and I live to make sure he is alright. I made sure his food contained just the right amount of nutrients, helped stimulated him with playtime, read to him, slept with him.
How To Be Your Childs Sex Educator
The debate in many towns continues throughout this country about who should hold the responsibility of educating young people about sex and sexuality. On one side of the spectrum there are those who believe that parents and only parents should be teaching such sensitive and value-fill information to kids. On the other side, there are those who say that not enough education is being done in the home and that the schools need to step up and do the right thing by kids.
When Parents Disagree
Moms and dads, are there times you think that parenting would be easier if you didn't have to make family decisions? Having a partner that is not in agreement with your parenting ideas or discipline approaches is more than just frustrating. It can be a cause of division in even the best of relationships. Furthermore, how you handle your disagreements will have a direct impact on your relationship with your partner and with your children.
Punishing the Victim -- Why Public Schools Pressure Parents To Give Their Kids Mind-Altering Drugs
Public-school teaching is structured in such a way that it inevitably bores millions of normal, active children who are forced to sit in classrooms six to eight hours a day with about twenty other immature children. The teacher has to cover the curriculum, so she is pressured to teach all the kids the same material in the same way. Few teachers have the time or patience to know each child's unique personality, interests, strengths, or weaknesses, or give different instruction to each student.
Child Separation Anxiety: Does Your Child Have It?
If you are a parent, then more than likely you may face the common problem of separation anxiety in your child. What exactly is child separation anxiety? In a nutshell, this is the type of anxiety or stress your child may encounter when you leave him/her alone and they get upset or cry due to the separation involved. The reason they get upset or cry is because the child learns to remember objects or specific people, and when those objects or people become absent, anxiety sets in.
Diagnosing ADHD in Children, an Introduction
Everyone in a private practice setting who works with children or adults is going to have their own opinion on how Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - ADD or ADHD - should be diagnosed. Some clinics take the perspective that "more is good," and will recommend a large battery of tests, often costing many thousands of dollars. Other clinics, typically with hurried physicians, will simply give a brief rating scales to the parents and then make a quick diagnosis and prescribe treatment, usually a medication.
Public-School True Believers with a Mission
One reason public schools get away with educational failure, year after year, is because they are run by school officials who passionately believe in what they are doing. As the great English writer C. S. Lewis wrote, "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. Those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."
Ten Ways To Become Your Teenagers Best Friend
Best friends! It may seem impossible to believe, but today's teens do want to consider their parents as friends, even though they think we could never understand the realities of their world. They are also interested in what it was like being a teenager during the Stone Age. Life without cell phones or the Internet must have been unimaginable!
|
