Parenting Failure? It May Not Be All It Seems!
I'll never forget my first lesson in a glider. I'd been interested in gliding, or soaring as it's known in
the USA, for some time - and now the big day had arrived. As I approached the airfield the words of some 'friends'
came back to haunt me. 'Going up in a sailplane without an
engine? You must be mad! How these things stay up there in
empty space is beyond me!' After a lesson or two on the principles of flight, it was
time to take to the air. And I needn't have worried about
'empty space' . . . If ever there was a case of things not being as they seemed,
this was it. Empty space? You must be joking! Five minutes in a glider (or sailplane) teaches you that
it's anything but 'empty space' up there. I was amazed at the buffeting and whipping of the air
currents and the sheer power of the thermals as they pushed
the plane upward, like a giant hand from below. The question soon changed from 'How are we going to stay
up?' to 'How on earth are we going to get down?' But it's all about manipulation of the control surfaces on
the plane, and soon we glided to a smooth and safe landing. Often in life, perhaps even more so in parenting, things are
not as they seem. Here's a common scenario. A parent has been reading up on
positive thinking, self-development, parenting skills or
such like. They feel good and are dutifully putting everything into
practice. Then out of the blue - WHUMP! There's a major confrontation
with one of our teens that leaves us drained, bedraggled and
crawling off in search of a corner where we can lick our
emotional wounds. The steely glint of failure mocks our efforts. But wait! All is not as it seems . . . In recent years we've come to realise that every situation
has potential for good AND bad. Some call it the Law Of
Opposites. Let's illustrate it with another example. Say you make a
sacrifice and give money to the poor. That's good. It helps them get on their feet, and generosity
is good for your personal development. So what could possibly be 'bad' in that situation? It's POSSIBLE that giving so 'generously' could make you
feel smug and 'superior'. It could lead to a 'Holier than
thou!' attitude. And the receiver could eventually become
dependent on hand-outs from others. Not good! So let's get back to that volcanic blow-up with our teens! No possibility for good there? Think again. Lick the wounds by all means, but rest assured that every
situation has a lesson for us. All we have to do is open ourselves to the possibility. So when we retreat, let's ask ourselves some questions and
be brutally honest in our appraisal: * In that situation did I keep my cool?
* Was I positive in my attitude?
* What kind of language did I use?
* Did I come over as patronizing, sarcastic, impatient,
intolerant, 'superior', huffy?
* Or was I supportive, patient, tolerant, mature, assertive,
helpful, confident?
* Was my approach reasonable or in some way self-serving? In short, was I modelling the type of behaviour I would
want them to adopt? If the answer is yes, then you can feel strong and
confident, knowing that any sanctions you apply are just and
reasonable. If the answer is no, what can you learn from this? Use this opportunity to strengthen and develop yourself, and
prepare to handle it better next time. In your path toward parenting progress, then, all may not be
as it seems. Apparent failures - especially when we thought we were
making it! - can be opportunities to take our progress to
the next level. Remember the people who couldn't understand how a glider
stayed in the air without an engine? Just because they
couldn't SEE the ridges of air pressure or the thermals
which push the plane upward, doesn't mean they weren't
there. In the same way, situations that may APPEAR to bring us down
can in fact be the very 'thermals' (which are hot air!) to
push us upward to the next level - if we let them. Happy parenting! Why do some parents and children succeed, while others
fail? Frank McGinty is an internationally published author
and teacher. If you want to further develop your parenting
confidence and encourage your kids to be all they can be,
visit his web pages:
http://www.frank-mcginty.com/peace-formula.html
AND
http://www.frank-mcginty.com/for-parents.html
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