Surviving as a Single Parent
Emotional Overload Many single parents say they deal with a variety of emotional issues that you might describe as "extra baggage." Some examples include: ? Self-pity ? Depression ? Guilt ? Anger ? Envy ? Fear ? Severe money problems ? Loneliness and isolation ? Frustration ? Exhaustion These issues present such a challenge because they undermine your daily functioning and emotional well-being. But they can be managed successfully so that you manage your family in a positive way. 10 Ways to Speed Your Recovery Process Becoming divorced or widowed and then facing years of single parenting is a shock to anyone who experiences it. You will need to take steps to recover and heal. Here are some suggestions: 1. Some churches, synagogues, counseling centers, and therapists offer free and low-cost divorce recovery workshops and grief support groups. Look for them in the newspaper and Yellow Pages. If you don't see any listed, call a few places that may be able to refer you. 2. Look for local peer support groups and networks. 3. If you have access to the Internet, search for support services in your area. 4. Also on the Internet, look for chat rooms or bulletin boards where single parents post messages and share ideas. 5. Find library books for kids about divorce and single-parent families, and read them together. Take the time to talk about how they relate to your situation and encourage your kids to talk about their feelings. 6. Find a support group for children of divorce. 7. Tell your children's teachers and the school psychologist that you are a single-parent family. Let them know that you welcome feedback and suggestions on coping with your circumstances. 8. When you are ready, investigate groups like Parents Without Partners for single adults. You need to be with other adults who have similar interests. 9. Learn to help your kids talk about what is happening to them. 10. Learn conflict resolution and problem-solving skills. Single-Parent Survival Strategies In addition to recovering from the loss of a partner, you will need to take action to survive and thrive in the coming years. The following strategies provide a starting place. 1. Watch out for too many changes in your life as you recover from both the loss of your spouse and the resulting changes in your life circumstances. Change causes stress, and you have enough right now. 2. Realize and accept that you must get help with your single-parenting responsibilities. It is unrealistic to think that you can do it alone. 3. Manage your own emotions so you will be able to help your child manage his or her struggle. Learn as much as you can about how children respond to divorce, the death of a parent, or life in a single-parent home. Do not expect your child to respond the same way you do. Take your child's developmental stage into consideration when responding to his or her behavior. 4. Give your children permission to talk to you about their feelings. 5. Keep appropriate boundaries. ? Don't give in to the temptation to let your child take care of you. ? Let your children be children. ? Avoid burdening them with your feelings and the facts of the divorce or death of your spouse. ? Find another adult to be your sounding board. 6. Let people help you. ? If it is impossible to reciprocate, say so. ? People know that your life isn't like it used to be. ? Don't let your inability to reciprocate prevent you from accepting what people willingly offer. 7. Let go of your need for perfection. You will have much more stress if you don't lower your expectations. 8. Even though you are unable to be present as much as in the past, your children still need adult supervision. Look for ways for other adults to look in on your kids when they are home alone, even when they are teenagers. 9. Just because your child appears to be handling his or her emotions well, don't assume that he or she is okay. Some kids respond to parent loss by becoming overly responsible or by closing down their emotions. They may need to hear, "Tell me how you're feeling." 10. While it is important to listen and accept your children's feelings, it is equally important to set limits on behavior. 11. Cultivate your ability to be flexible and find creative ways to solve problems. 12. Learn to set priorities. Do the most important things first. 13. Trust your gut feelings. Pay attention to your instincts and act on them. 14. Simplify as many things as possible in your life. You cannot afford to keep it complicated. 15. Find an outlet for your anger. If a friend is not available, look for a minister, rabbi, or professional counselor. If money is an issue, look for a therapist who will see you for a low fee. 16. Teach yourself to let go of guilt. You don't have time for it, and it's not necessary. 17. Focus on issues you have control over. If something is beyond your control, don't waste your emotions on it. 18. Create a ritual to mark the change in your circumstances. This could be a funeral for your spouse or a ceremony to acknowledge your divorce. 19. Keep a private journal in which you express your feelings. Be sure to keep it in a private place where your children won't find it. A journal provides a place to express anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear-all of those feelings you feel every day as a single parent. 20. Remind yourself that recovering from divorce or the death of a spouse will take time. Your recovery will happen on its own schedule, and it will happen. You will get through this intact. 21. Learn to be assertive. You can't say yes to every request, whether it is from your family members or people in the community who want your time and resources. If you give it all away, you will have nothing left for yourself. 22. Find ways to take care of your body. Get regular checkups and make time to exercise. You need rest now more than ever. Watch your alcohol intake. 23. Find someone who will listen to you. Sometimes you have to ask, for example, "I need a sounding board right now. Can I have 15 minutes of your time?" 24. Rent a sad movie and let yourself cry (when the kids aren't around). Crying allows you to release the sadness that you are sure to feel. 25. Do at least one fun thing for yourself every week. 26. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you're afraid of. 27. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you worry about. 28. Get together with other single-parent families. Sharing times with people facing similar issues can make you feel normal. Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or 201-303-4303.
Related News
Parenting books you can't live without - San Francisco Chronicle
DHS to drop ban on foster parenting by unwed couples - Arkansas News
Your parenting happy place - San Francisco Chronicle
San Francisco Chronicle |
Your parenting happy placeSan Francisco Chronicle, USA -Oct 9, 2008When the bad times come, one thing I do to keep from getting out-of-control upset is remember one of my parenting happy places. I have maybe five or six of ... |
A Parenting Odyssey: Shouldering Grief, Welcoming Joy - RedOrbit
Parenting video series begins this Sunday - Charles City Press
Parenting video series begins this SundayCharles City Press, United States -7 hours agoA great parenting resource is being offered to interested families in Charles City. The first five segments of the video series, “Shepherding a Child’s ... |
New car technology to aid parenting skills - Great Dad
Give mom some parenting books - BlueRidgeNow.com
Who claims the family policy agenda? - San Francisco Chronicle
Who claims the family policy agenda?San Francisco Chronicle, USA -20 hours agoHigh rates of poverty, divorce, single parenthood and social isolation exaggerate the typical strains of parenting. As a result, the United States has one ... |
The Parenting Vote - New York Times
New York Times |
The Parenting VoteNew York Times, United States -5 hours agoBy Lisa Belkin Ask people with children what most shapes their worldview, and being a parent would likely be high on the list. ... |
Q&A: 49ers cornerback Nate Clements - San Francisco Chronicle
|
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
ADHD: A Dialogue With a Non-Believer, part three
Dear Sir,
God Dont Like Rich People
I will never forget the day that my daughter's sixth grade friend told me that. We had been discussing someone who had recently lost a fortune and had become very bitter as a result. She suddenly piped up with that all knowing scowl that only a twelve year old girl can truly master while proclaiming, "God don't like rich people!" She said it as if it was a mortal sin worthy of an eternity in hell. She immediately made a snap decision from that point forward to dislike the person we'd been talking about. I've met her dad. He's a nice enough guy and from what I can tell, he agrees with his daughter. They are very regular attendees at their church. I don't know what church they go to, but all I could think to myself at the time was, "Who in the world is teaching her that!?"
Bad Boys/Good Boys (Avoiding The Pitfalls Of Being An Insensitive Dad)
I WAS AMAZED
Discipline Without Damage
If your parenting methods include abuse of any kind; physical, sexual, emotional or verbal, please get help to stop as soon as possible. Adults are supposed to safeguard and protect the young among us. You may be repeating patterns learned in your family of origin or not know any other methods of parenting.
Treatment Options for ADHD
Ritalin has been shown through the years to be very effective in the treatment of Attention Deficit Disorder symptoms. Although it has potential side-effects which many families would like to avoid, we have seen it help a lot of people. More recently, other interventions such as EEG biofeedback training have shown themselves to be very useful in treatment as well. A great deal of energy and money has also been invested into the development of non-prescription treatments for ADD ADHD.
Real Monsters Under Your Bed
There may really be a real monster under your kidâ??s bed!
Parenting: Blending Familes - 9 Universal Laws
The law of -ing.
Childrens Safety in Public Places - 10 Useful Tips
My kids ask me all the time to take them to playgrounds or any other public place. I can't help to think that the risk involved in this is greater than we are often aware of. I have four kids, which makes the task of keeping track of everyone very stressful. To me, taking my children to a public place is not "a walk in the park" anymore. Actually, I feel that I am a little traumatized. My 8 year old son, (a very active little guy), has been lost 3 times in public places. Once in a huge department store at the age of 3, another time in a natural park where he took off in his bicycle by himself at the age of 4 and the latest time in a crowded public fair at the age of 5. Fortunately he has always been found save and sound.
Useful Jogger Stroller Accessories
There are many useful jogger stroller accessories out on the market today. Whether you are using your jogger stroller out in the hot sun, in the middle of winter or in a highly buggy area you will be able to find jogger stroller accessories to fit almost any situation.
The Most Powerful Question a Parent Can Ask?
The question I have for you drives right to the heart of the matter. It could alter that tired, haggard feeling you have at the end of a day or weekend. It could alter the life of your children for the better and the life of their future partner. More than that, it could even alter your community, because once I've told you the question and you've seen how powerful it is you'll want to share it with your brother, sister, neighbours and friends.
Top Ten Reasons to Hold Family Meetings
1. Make stronger connections among individuals and, therefore, creates a closer family.
Simple Tricks To Help You And Your Kids To Find Friends
One of the most prevalent problems of the computer age is isolation and loneliness. In order to build and maintain relationships there are a number of simple skills, which can be learned, to enhance the opportunity to find and keep friends.
The Neurology of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Part One
What is Happening in the brain of children, teens, and adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?
Tackle, Tackle
I don't know how people raise daughters because I have 2 sons. In my in-sanest moments, I have thought about having a daughter and have entertained thoughts about rushing into Toys'Rus straight to the Barbie doll section. My preoccupation with daughters is short-lived. Then I become sane all over again ? I must be out of my mind thinking about having another child! No way, it's totally, absolutely, positively, undoubtedly out of the question. I do love babies. Oh, how I do love them. Pinching cheeks is not one of my favorite things to do an infant but I sure do love the feel of their feathery skin that is layered with fine, fine hair. I can't resist touching their bums like a lunatic.
Twin and Multiple Births are on the Rise
Did you know that the number of twin births have more than doubled since the early 1970s? Today, about one of every 35 births in the United States are twins. Even more significant is the number of triplet and higher multiple births which have increased 200 percent over the last three decades.
Aptitude, Achievement, Processing Deficit - What Does It All Mean?
You are sitting with the professionals who know about learning disabilities. They have been explaining what they will be looking for when they test your child.
How Public Schools Lie to Parents and Betray Our Children
Under the "No Child Left Behind Act," public schools whose students consistently fail standardized tests can now be shut down. To protect their jobs, teachers and principals are now under intense pressure to cheat - to fudge test scores and report cards to fool parents and school administrators.
MORAL ARMORS Irrational Parenting, Part III
Not Letting Them Think.
A Chart for Everything
For every season, check, check, check,
There is a chart, check, check, check,
And a chart can replace some of your nagging.
A chart for chores,
A chart for grades.
A chart for homework,
A chart for hygiene.
A chart for tracking tv.
A chart for everything....
I used to spend all of my seasons nagging. The song at our home used to sound like this:
"Ron, did you brush your teeth? Joe, is your snack in your bookbag? Mike, are your gymclothes ready? Ash, have you done your reading log? Ron, did you finish your math? Ron, did you vacuum the living room? Joe, did you do your social studies? Joe, is the trash at the street? Mike, did you clean the bathroom? Ash, are the dishes put away? Ron, did you brush your teeth..."
We had no time of silence and no time of peace. The constant sound of my voice annoyed ME, and I know it annoyed my kids. Multiply four kids, eight daily responsibilities, about three reminders per task, and I was averaging close to 100 nags per day. Since we posted the chart, I only have to ask, "Is your chart done?" Even on bad days, nagging is only a fraction of what it was before.
During school, we have chores for daily work and charts for weekend work. In the summer we have a chore chart and a very popular television spreadsheet. The boys make their own charts for homework and grades. I also have charts for me; keeping up with what is required of me is hard to remember.
Charts can be prepared on a spreadsheet or word document with chores and tasks written. Visual learners may benefit from charts generated using pictures. Whatever the method, charts can provide a tangible reminder that will make the difference between a task being completed, left hanging, or forgotten.
Give every season a chart, and you may discover that it will help you find more time, including a time to speak of something besides chores and homework!
We have an Excel spreadsheet with examples of different types of charts that I'd be happy to send you. Send an email to goaskmom AT goaskmom.com and request this free resource.
ZERO Tolerance: How Firm the Line?
A friend phoned her neighbor, complaining about the wafts of marijuana smoke that circled up and into to her kitchen window from the neighbor's driveway during the warm summer nights. The neighbor's teenagers and their friends were smoking out in the driveway. My friend said the mother's response was, "Well, that's what kids do, isn't it?"
|
