How NOT to Motivate Your Children and Students
Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped to bring about a near revolution in the way teachers interact with their young charges.
He later practiced as a psychologist.
The phone rang, he relates in one of his books, early on a Monday following Thanksgiving weekend. The woman on the line was clearly very agitated.
"Try and figure this out, if you can!" she pleaded.
"There we were in the car, the whole family. We drove four hundred miles, from Pittsburgh to New York. In the back of the car, little Ivan behaved like an angel, quiet and deep in
thought..
"I said to myself, 'He deserves some praise.'
"Just as we entered the Lincoln Tunnel, I turned to him and said: 'You're such a good boy, Ivan. I'm proud of you.'
"A minute later, the sky fell on us..
"Ivan pulled out an ashtray and spilled its contents all over us. The ashes, the cigarette butts, and the smoke kept coming, like atomic fallout. We were in the tunnel in heavy
traffic, and we were choking. If not for the cars around us, I might have murdered him!
"And what burned me up was I had just praised him. Isn't praise good for kids anymore?"
Ivan himself solved the mystery a few weeks later, in Ginott's office.
All the way home he had been wondering how to get rid of his younger brother, who was snuggled up between mother and father in front of the car.
Finally, the idea occurred to him that if their car were jackknifed in the middle, he and his parents would be safe, but the baby would be cut in two!
Just then his mother had congratulated him for being so good. The praise made him feel guilty. He felt he had to show that he did not deserve it. he looked around and saw the ashtray.
The rest followed automatically.
Praise can be a highly powerful motivator. We know that. Workplace managers and supervisors know it, and adults who have enjoyed some success in the training of children certainly
know it. Parents and educators have few weapons in their armory as potent as praise.
Instrument of destruction?
However, its correct use is a skill that needs to be learned, like any other. Any weapon that's not controlled is an instrument of destruction.
I've cited an extreme case here to make
the point. But hopefully, make the point it does.
Chaim Ginott was a strong believer in what he called "congruent communication." "Congruent" means "consistent" or "harmonious." What he meant by the phrase is that our communication
should be consistent with, or in harmony with, our ultimate objectives.
Well, what's new? Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Unfortunately, for many of us it's not so simple. Not at all.
I read about someone who recalled how she was having difficulties with math when she was in elementary school. Sensing her child's frustration, her mother took her aside and offered
some well-intentioned encouragement:
" No one in our family is good in math. I wasn't good at math, your sister isn't good in math. No wonder you're having a hard time. I'm sure you'll be good at something else."
Consoling? Maybe. But if at the age of 30 or 40, the former struggling student still had the mathematical ability of an average 10 year old, would you be very surprised?
Unhelpful or unproductive messages that young people receive from their elders take many different forms.
Uncharacteristically moody
A friend recently told me that his eleven year old was uncharacteristically moody and subdued for a few weeks. It took him a while to figure that something must be bugging the lad at school. At first, the boy insisted that everything was OK, but eventually he blurted it all out.
He explained sadly that his teacher kept upsetting him with comments like:
"Another poor grade in the test this week. You could do much better, if you really wanted to."
"You say you find it difficult to concentrate in class? If you really wanted to, I'm certain you could..."
"Dad," moaned the hapless pupil. "I just don't understand this 'if you wanted to' business. Can it be possible? Does my teacher REALLY think I don't care? Surely he must know how much I'd like to be a better student, if only I could?"
Fortunately, this story had a happy ending. The father had a friendly, heart to heart chat with the teacher, who understood where he might have been making a mistake. Before long, the
teacher's feedback had changed to:
"Your grade in this week's test was two percent better. Now that you're going up, perhaps you can manage another two percent hike next week?"
"You've concentrated for a solid twenty minutes this morning. You see yourself you can do it. Now, just try to manage for another ten minutes!"
Happy days!
Azriel Winnett is creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.
Related News
Parenting skills to ensure safe giving - Great Dad
Parenting skills to ensure safe givingGreat Dad, California -23 hours agoBut new parenting advice from Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center is quick to warn dads about the need to be vigilant when deciding which toys ... |
Hollywood's mommy network - Los Angeles Times
Los Angeles Times |
Hollywood's mommy networkLos Angeles Times, CA -3 hours agoPARENTING TIPS: Jennifer Waldburger, left, and Jill Spivack run Sleepy Planet, a business that counsels showbiz parents. In Tinseltown, film and pacifiers ... |
Oklahoma DHS parenting program success cited - NewsOK.com
Oklahoma DHS parenting program success citedNewsOK.com, OK -53 minutes agoThe Safe Care Plus program consists of teaching basic skills to parents of children ranging in age from infants to 5 years old in high-risk households, ... |
Part 2 of Parenting 101 - Norman Transcript
Part 2 of Parenting 101Norman Transcript, OK -59 minutes agoThis is Part 2 and the conclusion of Parenting 101, an overview of the fundamentals of effective parenting. Last week's class dealt with such basics as ... |
The Intersect Between Reporting and Parenting - Tecumseh Herald
The Intersect Between Reporting and ParentingTecumseh Herald, MI -14 hours agoSometimes, though, circumstances make it so that all I can do is be the parent. Take last night's band concert in Britton. Just take yesterday in general, ... |
Make holidays brighter for children of incarcerated parents, she says - TheTimes
Spencer Bachus Approves of Nanny State, Opposes Parenting - Casino Gambling Web
Or Ami addresses parenting issues - Agoura Hills Acorn
Or Ami addresses parenting issuesAgoura Hills Acorn, CA -Dec 3, 2008Congregation Or Ami's Center for Jewish Parenting is currently offering a series of lectures that cover a wide range of parenting issues. ... |
Chief Parenting Extends C-Level Parental Suite to Include Chief ... - PR Web (press release)
Clovis woman sentenced to parenting class following truancy charges - Clovis News Journal
|
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Keeping the Stress out of Single Parenting
Researched through personal experience!
Teaching Kids to Read
We are all so very happy to see that the First Lady has made reading a renewed priority for our country. The literacy issue is a big one. Kids are being passed year after year and still not able to read in High School. One issue, which is quite evident is the incredible turn over of teachers. There is a 50% attrition rate of teachers in Five years. This is somewhat similar to Corporate America too, but why are the teachers who have studied hard to specifically become teachers calling it quits?
Childhood Obesity
Economist John Kenneth Galbraith has said that more people die in this country of too much food than of too little. It's an appalling notion - but an accurate one. As of 1999 more than 60 percent of American adults were overweight or obese - and obesity among children was increasing faster than among adults. In 2000, 22 percent of U.S. preschoolers were overweight and 10 percent clinically obese.
The Top 5 Reasons Why Unwed-Parents Must Establish Paternity
"It takes a village to raise a child" is more than an African proverb, and when the village is small and one parent is missing the task becomes even more challenging. Fortunately, being proactive and understanding your rights as a parent will help alleviate any issues that might arise as you take on the role of single parent. Every child has the right to a parent-child relationship with both parents, and all three deserve an opportunity to develop, enjoy and grow in the relationship.
Sanity Savers For Busy Mums Page
Question 1
"How do I get more time to
play?"
Answer:
Schedule it in.
Why? Because if you don't schedule it you
will generally let other things have a higher
priority and put yourself and a life further
down the list.
Four Tips For Alleviating Back To School Anxiety
Back to school preparations are in full-swing. Soon, the first bell of the year will ring and the sounds of summer will be replaced by the voices of school-aged children bemoaning the end of their summer and trying to sort out their new school routines: What building am I in? Who's my teacher this year? Do I really have to take calculus?
Parenting Your Teenager: Late vs. Too Late, and 5 More Sure Fire Tips
Late vs. Too Late
Now, Theyre Bullying My Daughter In Our Home: Welcome To Cyber-Bullying
Last night Tom's daughter, Sue, came out of her room to see her dad and said, "I got another one of those instant messages. It says, 'tomorrow you had better not show up at school or else'." She has been getting messages like this now for weeks. The result of this is that she no longer likes to turn her computer on.
Relate With Your Teen And Gain Their Trust
We were all teens at one time for some many years ago even if we don't like to admit it. Many of us can look back and say our teen years were good, but with many ups and downs as we approached adulthood. Some of us maybe were lucky enough to have parents we could talk to about anything with ease. Today's teens deal with many of the same issues, but also deal with some very difficult issues that are more prevalent in today's youth.
Bird Flu Pandemic
What are the easiest things citizens can do to prevent spreading in an epidemic outbreak in America of a virus. There are many things you can do and warn your kids not to do; for instance tell your children; Do not touch handrails in public places and buses. Whenever possible; do not sit on and stay off park benches. You should wipe of gym equipment after each use when working out. Do not go to a movie and sit on theater seats with shorts on or bare skin touching.
Poker Parenting: 4 Ways Poker Skills Produce Parenting Thrills
Even as a busy parent, I'm sure you've seen a poker show on TV or at least heard your friends or relatives talking about it. You might even be someone who's caught up in the poker craze of the past two years, riding the wave of a steep learning curve. As an avid poker player and father of two, I realize more each day how my poker skills help me raise my kids. Want to know how? Here are four ways to turn your poker skills into parenting thrills:
The Old and the New
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind. "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
Parents - Create An Emotionally Healthy Connection With Your Child
"I could have helped you if I would have known, I'm your mother. I protect you against everybody in this world. I never thought to protect you from yourself." This was a headline in a local newspaper. Her daughter had committed suicide the night before. The mother involved must be going crazy with grief as she thought she knew her child so well. But sometimes we don't and sometimes we get caught off guard by believing that we do.
Kids: Channeling Mania Towards Productivity
More and more kids these days are diagnosed ADD, ADHD, or Bipolar. There are biological reasons for this, and there are environmental elements which can soothe or aggravate the symptoms. It becomes increasingly easy to "react" to each mood swing rather than to develop a plan for different positions on the pendulum swing. Yet, preplanning is the best chance at teaching our children coping skills that will serve them throughout life. A child will learn better during a manic or hyper state-if the parent is able to stay strong and kick into a preplanned directed goal.
Parents Need to Vent Anger! Try These 4 Steps to Serenity
Parents are losing their self-control to anger. A friend called me today and told me a very troubling story. She told me on a T.V. news program she heard of a mother who was driving with her four year old child. The mother became angry with her child and couldn't cope anymore with her child's misbehaving. Finally the mother abruptly braked, stopping the car on a busy highway. She pulled over to the side of the highway, opened the door and pushed her child out of the car, slammed the door and just drove away! Luckily, someone saw this poor kid on the side of the highway, stopped and spoke to the child, had the police come by and the mother was eventually found. Unbelievable ? dropping your child off on a busy highway because you can't cope with a four year old's misbehaving or with your own anger!
Life Stuck In Fast Forward
the woes of being a parent of an ADHD child.....
Remember The Generation Gap?
The techniques of managing relationships between parents and their children is as old as.. well, parents having children. It's not an easy job, either for the parent or the child. But, the key to any relationship inside or outside the family is the ability to relate; to have an empathy that allows us a slightly special way in which we can communicate with one another in order to understand, and to be understood. We make friends because of the similarities we may have in certain areas and we sometimes can build lifelong relationships on that basis. But, having children means we do not have a choice to make that relationship as we might have in meeting a perfect stranger. It's a relationship forced upon us, albeit willingly in most cases. We as parents accept that as part of parenting. After all, as parents we have the opportunity to influence the development of our children to be just like us.. thus creating those similarities that enhance a lifelong relationship. Now, note that I used the word 'opportunity' in that sentence. I think as parents we all realize that in spite of what we do to manipulate their young lives our children will turn out as individuals just as we did with our parents. And that could very well mean that the relationship you have with your child is not based on similarities but more of accepting the respective family roles of parent and child.
The Truth Behind Having Children
In the beginning, having children was just a byproduct of sexual instinct. Later it was a means to increase manpower for survival (hunting the mastodon, tilling the fields). It was just a part of life, even what one aspired to. A strapping daughter was great, a robust son perhaps even better.
When A Parent Is Deployed
When a parent is deployed with the military it can be very traumatic for the children left behind. Having things for them
to do, that makes them feel a part of the family and helping the parent who is gone, is really important.
Motherhood is a Perfect Adventure
How often do you think of family life as an adventure or delightful experience? If you and your children are having a good day, then you might buy into this idea. However, many of you are probably laughing hysterically now. What is delightful about the children fighting for the umpteenth time today? Sometimes I bet your family life feels like a jungle with screeching and swinging monkeys.
|
