The Post-Holiday Blues In Stepfamilies
In stepfamilies, big holiday expectations can lead to big
disappointment--and post-holiday blues, says Susan Wisdom, a
licensed professional counselor and co-author of
"Stepcoupling." As a stepmom, I know about expectations. Every year, just
before the holidays, I start thinking about how to recreate
Christmas Eve at my grandmother's house. In her big
two-story home, my family and I crowded into her dining room
and kitchen with about two dozen relatives. We munched on
turkey, cranberries and dressing, then topped off the meal
with my grandma's home-made cookies. With my 14 siblings and
cousins, I played board games while my dad and uncles
stomped around on the roof, yelling "Santa's coming!" much
to our delight. With these memories, it's easy to begin the holidays with
huge expectations about what I want for my stepfamily. And
it's easy to end the holidays with some sadness over how
difficult it was to re-create the magic of my childhood. "There are so many expectations and the hype is so big,"
says Wisdom. "It can be a real setup. In reality, Christmas
is not perfect in traditional families. There's a lot of
stress." If your family is like ours, you may spend a lot of time
negotiating with ex-spouses over who gets which kids--and
when-- during the holidays. And if you family is like ours,
you may be disappointed when kids announce they've already
decorated two Christmas trees at their step-relatives' and
refuse to do one more. Or they may arrive at your house
exhausted from their "first" Christmas at the "other" house
and may prefer napping to opening gifts. In addition, a stepchild may reject a stepparent, Wisdom
says. Adults may drink too much and behave in ways they
later regret. A child's biological parent may complain that
a stepparent has more money to spend on gifts, creating
tension between a child's two homes. As Shauna Haley, a stepmom in Portland, Oregon, says, "The
holidays this year were such a painful reminder of our
stepfamily situation-and how little influence I have on my
stepdaughter's life." Her stepdaughter lives in another
state, and only visited for a few days after Christmas this
year. Haley had big dreams over how she would spend those
few days with her stepdaughter, then was crushed when her
dreams weren't realized and her stepdaughter was homesick. To help stepfamilies cope with such disappointment, Wisdom
recommends that parents begin by doing some "patch up work"
after the holiday season. Talk to your spouse, ex-spouse and
children about the issues that came up during the holidays. "Reach out to your own children and each other's children.
Understand what they were dealing with. Forgive them for
fights or bad attitudes or moments of sibling rivalry that
happen during the holidays under stress," Wisdom says.
"Stepcouples need to be available to each other and to the
children more than ever. This can be a hard time. Make
amends, make apologies." If parents find it difficult to talk with ex-spouses, this
may be a good time to go to counseling with ex-spouses about
the many issues that come up during the holidays, she says. After trying to discuss the holidays with everyone involved,
parents in stepfamilies should examine their expectations
and consider toning them down next year. Wisdom recommends: - Keep it simple. Don't stress out. Perfectionism is not the
goal. Peace and serenity are more important!
- Don't over-commit. Your kids need you--not the 25 gifts
you don't have time to wrap. Don't overload on activities,
food and drink.
- Plan ahead. Talk with your spouse about how you want to
celebrate next year. Talk with your children's other
biological parents about how to share holidays with your
children.
- Coordinate with ex-spouses over gift giving.
- Keep old traditions and establish new ones.
- Be flexible and cultivate a sense of humor. Laugh about
the time your dog lapped up the spilled pudding!
In an effort to follow the above advice, I try to joke
about the fact that my 16-year-old prefers his stepmom's
cooking during the holidays. "She bakes pies and lets me eat
milk products," he likes to tell me, with a smile in his
eyes. Rather than donning an apron and gorging my son with
sweets and allergy-producing foods, I remind him of the time
my holiday squash cannon-balled out of the oven! That memory
always makes us laugh, which is indeed a great antidote to
the post-holiday blues. Writer Lisa Cohn is co-author of "One Family, Two Family,
New Family: Stories and Advice For Stepfamilies," which is a
2004 Gold National Parenting Publications Award winner. For
more information, visit her at http://www.stepfamilyadvice.com.
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